The First Step

Ariadne’s Thread: First Journey Entry

The first step in beginning a journey to wellness is simply deciding you want to get well. At this point, you may not even know what wellness means. I start with the dictionary definition: wellness is “the quality or state of being in good health, especially as an actively sought goal.” We must actively seek wellness as a goal. Having chosen the goal of wellness, we move to the second step. The second step is not as easy. We have to “decide” to step into the unknown. The known life we have been living is making us unwell, so continuing that path would keep us unwell.

My known life, before stepping into the unknown, included trauma from childhood; adult trauma from a deteriorating relationship with my husband; trauma from raising a son with autism who exhibited out-of-control behaviors; diagnoses of atrial fibrillation, fibromyalgia, obesity, depression, and a deteriorating left knee. These were just the major dilemmas; there were others. I knew I could not continue this trajectory.

The unknown began by resigning from a full-time professional position fifteen years ago. I was so exhausted from life that I could not continue. This is the first time my body won out over my mind. It was terrifying, especially because of what my husband was going to say. I went home and rested. There were days I didn’t want to get out of bed! I wasn't sure what direction my life would take, but I was determined to get well. The psychological, emotional, and physical pain had reached untenable levels for me, and something had to change. At this point, I had collapsed into the unknown, waiting and hoping for a next step.

Metaphorically, the unknown is facing the labyrinth. Our entire life up to now has been linear, moving forward one step or event at a time. We engage in the event, choose how to respond to it, and move on to the next event. The unknown is not linear; it is circular, like the labyrinth. You are embarking on a journey never taken before. To take this journey, you must move within yourself. The unknown is moving through the circular passages of the labyrinth, not knowing what you will find, because you have never been here before. It is frightening and fills you with trepidation, but something inside you says you must enter the labyrinth. It is the wellness journey that leads you back to yourself. At this point, this might not make any sense, but it is exactly what you need to do.

The next step arrived in the form of a book of poetry: Dream Work by Mary Oliver. I found the poem “The Journey”. The first time I read it, I cried. It spoke so loudly to me, has accompanied me for 15 years, and still speaks to me powerfully. This poem was literally telling me what to do. I had to save myself, whcih was foreign to me because I was trying desperately to save my family. The question was how?

The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.